Doubt
by wildspiritontheloose
Summary: Beetlewatcher, the deputy of RockClan, does not believe he is good enough to lead the Clan after the former leader's tragic death. Can the gifts he receives during his leadership ceremony change his mind? (One-shot for The Clan of Clouds).


There had never been a time when Beetlewatcher had felt so out of place. His breathing was eratic, his heart pounding in his chest as each heavy pawstep drew him closer. Something weighed him down and he felt as if he were sinking into the red rock beneath him, like a stone might sink when placed in water.

Beside him padded RockClan's medicine cat, and his sister, Otterheart. Somewhere behind him were Gentlefern, Martenfur and Asterpaw, who made up the rest of the patrol. All were oblivious to what Beetlewatcher was feeling, seeing nothing but a cool and calm facade.

This was nothing out of the ordinary, as the tom always appeared that way. At times, he thanked StarClan for his ability to hide his emotions so easily; at others, he cursed it. What he would have given for one of the patrol members to ask him what he was thinking, or how he felt about becoming RockClan's next leader. If Sparrowstar were here, she would be asking him these things, patiently waiting for him to find the words to his response.

But Sparrowstar was not here and, if she were, he would not be in this position at all.

The tunnel that led to the Moon Cliffs was just visible in the cliff ahead of him and Beetlewatcher forced himself to continue moving towards it, each step harder to take. The image of Sparrowstar's limp body made him want to stop altogether but he knew that he had to go on. She would have wanted him to move on.

Not for the first time in his life, he wondered what had spurred the tortoiseshell leader to make him her deputy. He had been appointed to the position only nine moons ago, after the death of Smokeshade, and could still remember quite vividly the shock he'd felt when his name had been announced. All of the thoughts - that he was not experienced enough, that there were so many other, more suitable warriors - came rushing back to him now.

It was strange to think that, a little over thirty moons ago, he was a newly named warrior of OakClan. That Clan ceased to exist soon after, replaced by a broken motley of cats whose leader, first, went mad and then was taken away by monstrous Twolegs. It had been Sparrowstar to rise up then, leading BrokenClan away from their damaged forest home in search of a place where the Clan could once again thrive.

Beetlewatcher thought back to the island where they had stayed periodically, before being run off by badgers. The plains had been next, but a fire had swept through them, taking the lives of many of his Clanmates. Then, there was the mountain cave, until the cougar had taken the life of Shortwhisker, the medicine cat, as well as a few others, including the deputy.

And now, RockClan was situated in a red rock canyon and had been so for almost eight moons. Before Sparrowstar's tragic death at the fangs of a rattlesnake, Beetlewatcher had believed that this place just might be their new home, the one that they would raise generations of warriors in instead of being chased away once more. That hope had died with the tortoiseshell leader.

But he was not strong enough to lead the Clan to a new home, and so the tom had to believe that this was it, that there would be no need for further journeying.

The patrol reached the cliff far too quickly. Stepping into the tunnel, Beetlewatcher padded along it slowly, wanting to delay his leadership ceremony for as long as possible. There was a sick twisting in his stomach and it felt as though his heart were about to leap out of his mouth.

The tunnel, however, could not last forever, and Beetlewatcher soon emerged into a large cave. Red rock lined the sides of it, rising up above him higher than any tree he had ever seen. At the top was a small circular opening, a single beam of moonlight streaming in through it. The light of the moon created a patch on the stone floor of the cave and it was towards this spot that Beetlewatcher moved.

"Keep watch for me," he said quietly as he settled down in the light of the moon. There was no time to see whether his Clanmates had heard, as he grew drowsy instantly and, before he knew it, darkness enveloped him.

There was nothing beneath his paws, just the thick black of the night. Turning his head this way and that, Beetlewatcher found himself in complete darkness and undeniably alone. Though he did not know much about leadership ceremonies, as these experiences were never talked about, he was almost positive that there should be others here. It was as if StarClan was fueling his self-doubt.

Then, a spot of light emerged in the distance, growing brighter by the second. It was joined by others, each one appearing more quickly than the last, until everywhere he looked he could see little twinkling stars. That was when they began to grow in size, shedding light over his surroundings.

He was standing in the very same cave where he'd fallen asleep, but the rest of his patrol was gone. It was just him, standing in the centre, directly below the circular opening in the cliff. Around him, crowding the floor and the ledges within the tall cliff walls were cats, their fur shimmering.

"Beetlewatcher," said a familiar gravelly voice, one the tom remembered well from his days as an apprentice. It was not as strict now, but still held that authority that had caused Beetlewatcher to shake when he was still a 'paw'. When the cat finally came into view, he noticed that there was not a trace of the battle wounds that had taken his life.

"Slatefang," Beetlewatcher said, watching his old mentor with calm yellow eyes.

"I give you the gift of your first life: courage," the blue-grey tom rasped, staring right back. "Use it to do what is right, even when the right path is not the most desirable one." Slatefang narrowed his eyes and Beetlewatcher looked away, feeling as though the tom knew of his doubts.

The next moment, he was hit by a wave of pain so fierce it nearly knocked him off of his paws and left him gasping for air, all thoughts of doubt sent flying from his head. It disappeared just as quickly as it had come.

Turning back to Slatefang, he found his mentor gone, replaced by the form of a black tom, still in his apprenticehood.

"With this life, I give you the gift of enthusiasm," the apprentice said. "Use it when carrying out your duties and when helping others with theirs. A leader who participates in everyday Clan life with energy inspires his Clanmates to do the same."

A strange feeling filled Beetlewatcher as he watched Darkpaw disappear back into the ranks of StarClan. It felt as if he were floating, not a care in the world to hold him down. All too soon, the feeling was gone, and the tom was once again left with his doubts.

Darkpaw's mother, Greywind, approached him next. Her fur was as wildly tangled as he remembered it being when she was still alive and her face still held the same kind expression it always had. Behind her stood her mate, Jayflight, who she had refused to leave behind when the fire swept across the plains, rushing back into the flames to save him.

"I give you the gift of selfless love," she said, amber eyes full of warmth. "Use it to keep your Clanmates safe, even at the cost of your life." The she-cat licked his forehead gently and a fire swept through the black deputy, burning him on the inside and reducing him to ash. Beetlewatcher found himself on the floor of the cave, breathing laboriously.

"I give you the gift of sympathy and understanding," said a new voice, and the tom looked up to see a pretty calico she-cat unfamiliar to him. Her green eyes, however, reminded him of someone he'd once known, but he could not pin who it was. She offered him her shoulder to help him get up and Beetlewatcher gratefully accepted her help.

"I'm Cherryfeather, a queen of OakClan. As a queen, I learned that speaking with your Clanmates is important if you wish to understand their motivations. Do not always assume the obvious. Sometimes, there is more to a story, and it is this that helps you understand another's trials. Use this gift to govern your Clan justly." She put her head over his and Beetlewatcher steeled himself for more pain, but this life filled him with softness, as if his insides were made of feathers and everything around him of moss.

Shaking his head, the feeling disappeared and a tortoiseshell she-cat replaced Cherryfeather's form. Her long fur made her appear soft, but Beetlewatcher knew not to cross this she-cat.

"Lichencloud," he greeted.

The she-cat nodded in response. "With this life, I give you the gift of strength and endurance. Sometimes, the decisions we make are ones we come to regret, but you must stick to them with the strength of a lion. Endure the hardships of your Clan and you will be rewarded."

This life came with a roar that swelled in his chest, growing and growing until the black tom thought his body might explode. It did not, instead leaving him empty.

A little kit padded up to him, its red tabby fur studded with stars. Beetlewatcher realized that this was Flamekit, the brother of his deputy, Redblaze. The kit, along with his mother, had been killed by a fox when it got into the nursery in RockClan's old forest home.

"I give you the gift of youth," Flamekit said. "So that you will always feel young at heart." Touching his little pink nose to Beetlewatcher's own, a feeling of joy swept through the tom. He felt as though he were running, an energy so great within him that he would run forever if he could. When the life faded, he suddenly realized just how tired he was.

_How many more?_ he wondered. He had not bothered to count.

A familiar dark tom stepped forward from the ranks of StarClan and Beetlewatcher felt the need to dip his head in respect to the previous deputy. He had lost his life fighting a cougar to save the lives of Emberkit, Whitekit and Littlekit, who were all now fine apprentices of RockClan.

"Rise, Beetlewatcher," Smokeshade said. "I give you the gift of skill in battle. Use it to defend your Clan, especially the weakest of your Clanmates. A Clan does not thrive if they do not help each other."

Beetlewatcher howled in pain as claws pierced his skin, teeth surely leaving marks on his shoulders and back as something attacked him. He could not see this beast, nor could he stop its assault. It stopped suddenly and the cave was silent.

"I give you the gift of patience," said a familiar voice and the black tom looked up to see Shortwhisker, the Clan's previous medicine cat.

"Patience comes in only one form, and that is in waiting. Sometimes, the most strong and beautiful things are achieved with a little patience. Use it to show your Clan that stability is possible, even in a world where everything seems to be against you."

There was silence and Beetlewatcher shifted his paws, waiting for the pain of this life to hit him. He waited and waited. Still, nothing happened.

The tom turned his head to Shortwhisker, but the tom was gone. A feeling of peace suddenly spread through his body and he smiled, realizing the value of the former medicine cat's gift.

It was Sparrowstar who stepped forward next, tortoiseshell fur gleaming in the light of the stars. Her green eyes were bright and Beetlewatcher realized that it was her eyes Cherryfeather's had reminded him of.

"Beetlewatcher, my friend," she said quietly. "You are calm and brave, even when the rest of the Clan isn't, and for that I thank you. Yet, you do not believe in yourself the way I do." Her eyes were now troubled and the black tom hung his head, feeling as though he had let her down.

"Let my gift help ease your doubts. With this last life, I give you determination, certainty and hope. Let determination guide you when times are rough; let certainty remind you that, at the end of it all, there _is_ a solution; and, when that fails, let hope be there to show you that not all is as lost as it seems."

Sparrowstar touched her nose to his forehead and the weight of his doubts was gone. Beetlewatcher felt all of the lives he'd received rush through him once more, molding and breaking until they were one entity, living in his heart.

"I'm proud of you," Sparrowstar whispered to him before stepping away to announce: "I hail you by your new name, Beetlestar. Your old life is no more. You have now received the nine lives of a leader, and StarClan grants you the guardianship of RockClan. Defend it well; care for young and old; honour your ancestors and the traditions of the warrior code; live each life with pride and dignity."

All around him, Beetlestar heard the chants of StarClan as they hailed him by his new name. It felt almost bittersweet, to have the warrior name he'd lived most of his life with stripped away but, at the same time, the ring of his leader name filled him with a confidence he had never known.

The ranks of StarClan were slowly melting away, becoming nothing more than stars once more before disappearing into the night. Beetlestar was surrounded by darkness again, but it was more peaceful this time.

He lay down on the rock floor he knew to be beneath him and waited patiently for the sun to rise. Beetlestar was ready to lead his Clan, even at the cost of his life.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This is a challenge for The Clan Clouds titled 'A Leader's Nine Lives'.**

**For those of you who are also reading _The Coming Storm_, Beetlewatcher's ceremony takes place between chapters 7 and 8 (Martenfur and Pebblepaw chapters). I decided to use Beetlewatcher as the deputy/leader in this story because I already had all of the OCs figured out and because I thought it might be fun to explore a little bit of his perspective.**

**Cherryfeather, Slatefang, Sparrowstar, Smokeshade and Flamekit also appear in _You Are_, another of my one-shots.**

**As always, reviews are very much appreciated. Thank you for reading!  
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**- Spirit**


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